You've probably said one of these. I'm pretty sure I've said them all to various friends on birthday cards and Facebook greetings:
"You're only as old as you feel."
"Age is just a number."
"We're like fine wines; we improve with age." (That's a staple in my retinue.)
There are other sappier ones:
"Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity or strength." Barf. Whoever wrote that one was not my age.
Point being: I sometimes wonder what it was that prompted me to decide that I was "aging" to the point I could write a blog about it like I knew whereof I speak. I'm still working. I'm not at Medicare age yet, which I think a lot of people would say is the ultimate threshold. I am eligible for some senior discounts but some I'm still a year or more away from. What made me think I'm aging?
Well, there's sort of a sad story that I'll relate in time that shook me to my core and really made me ponder the cruel cycle of life and how uncertain it is. Amy's Ice Cream is right: we need to eat our dessert first (Austinites: do they still say that as their catch phrase?) But that wasn't really it, because that happened a couple of years before.
It wasn't the grey hair thing; that may have been the last straw, but it was percolating before that.
Was it the fact that I realize I'm stuck with the job I have probably until the end of my working days because no one is going to take a flier on a female with no formal degree in her mid-60's?
And don't get me wrong: I'm not saying I'm old. Nor are you, Dear Reader. It's not that we're old. But I'm conceding that I'm aging. And if you're reading this, maybe you think you are too.
But why do I think I'm aging? Why do you? What is that anyway?
I think for me it was a realization that I'm no longer in total control of my own body. I mean, I suppose it's a fallacy that any of us truly are at any point in life. The same Peloton coach I mentioned in a recent post had a stroke in his early 30's. That surely was not something he controlled. But, I mean, and you know that there's a presumption we have in our early adult life that if we don't like something about ourselves we can change it. Think your arms are flabby? Do strength training and tone them up. Think you need to lose weight? Change your diet, start to exercise and the pounds will come off (I haven't even done the weight blog post yet...but trust me, I will). If you want to go back to school, go. If you want a new job, find it. We put up with bullshit that maybe we shouldn't because we rely on the fact that when we're ready to change it, we can. There is an infinite amount of potential we possess.
But at some subtle point I started to realize the "in" disappeared in my potential and now I just have a finite amount. Menopause, as I think I mentioned, was one such tipping point: when I realized it had come and gone, there was just a moment of regret that a door was closing on an important part of my life. Then the moment was gone, and I was just happy to lock that door and throw away the key. But those moments crop up a lot these days - all the little things I've been posting about that pop up out of nowhere and I can't seem to control. And trust me, I'm a self-confessed control freak for a reason, so it's making me crazy!
Which brings me to the next question for all of us to ponder: what is aging gracefully?
Remember the adage, "Never ask a lady her age"? Well I'm trying to be loud and proud about my age. Mainly because if I'm anything else, it doesn't change how old I am, so embrace the suck as soldiers say. I see photos of actresses who absolute destroy themselves with cosmetic surgeries and treatments and think to myself that it's better to just let time etch its story on my face than risk that. Then again, I look at Jane Fonda, who looks pretty good for her age and wonder...should I at least do Botox?
I told my husband the other day, my mind is no longer a steel trap. The steel is rusty. (Not sure it ever was to be honest, but you get the gist.) I tire more easily, so there are no more 20 hour workdays because it's not just the body but the mind that just puts the brakes on at some point in the evening. Do I fight that so I can continue to put in the work, or do I let myself relax a little, letting those long, arduous days be history? But if I do, can I be employable?
In short, in all the times I envisioned getting older and how I would accept it and handle it, I never envisioned the many conundrums and decisions it would bring with it. I'm still navigating that minefield personally and trying to define "graceful aging". Tell me how you do it.
I too am starting to have those thoughts pop up in my mind. I went back to school to finish my degree a couple of years ago - I worked full-time and I went to school full-time and it was tough. I thought long and hard about getting my Bachelor's at 60 - is it going to "pay off"? Will I be able to finish, or just end up with a whole lot of debt and nothing to show for it? The answer was yes and no. I did finish, and graduated summa cum laude. It did "pay off" in the sense that my employer created a permanent position that required a Bachelor's and I got it and was given a raise that made the degree worth it. But I was unable to find a job AS a graphic designer - its not that I'm not good, I've won several awards for my graphic design. I think it is my age, though of course they don't say that. So, yes - it has occurred to me that this is the last job I'll have. I used to be able to do physical work, pretty much non-stop for a whole day - out running errands, or yard work, or house work, etc. Not anymore. 4 hrs. tops, and if it's yard work I'm going to be sore for a week. I've come to realize I'm near the "last time" part of my life - this is probably the last job I'll have, the last house, the last car, etc. When I get maudlin about the "roads not taken", I tell myself that is the privilege of leading a fairly good life - you have the emotional space and physical security to indulge in the "what ifs". The vast majority of people on this planet do not have that luxury. I made the best decisions I could make with not just the information, experience and knowledge I had at the time, but also with the confidence and strength of spirit I had at the time, and sometimes that was lacking. But the upside to "aging" and particularly to "aging gracefully" is to accept that truth, forgive yourself and others, and try to remind yourself, you are still here because you made the right, and mostly right decisions, and had the strength, luck, and humor to make it through the bad and truly bad ones. Another thing that comes with age - knowing there's a lot to be said for tenacity
ReplyDeleteYou can't fight it because there is nothing to fight. It is a natural process and although healthy habits can keep us functional for longer than others, we cannot stop the aging process so we might as well accept it. And then do the best we can to still contribute to the world in ways that we can still do.
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